A Reflection on Friendship: Gaining and Maintaining Fellowship

By Matt Reffie

Since my wife and I moved to Boston over ten years ago, my friend Jonathan is almost al­ways the answer to the question, “So, how do you know so-and-so?” He’s a great cross-pollinator and has friends across many Christian communities around New England. We initially met at a quirky Christian guys meet-up Jonathan was hosting, just some food and conversation on church, life, and theology. It was the perfect group for me at the time, feeling out of sync with traditional church and wanting a more integrated faith-life. I think our an­choring connection, though, was our shared unspoken callings as itinerant ministers of sorts.

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Itinerant

i·tin·er·ant

(n.) one who travels around, laboring for short periods in different places as needed

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Through my friendship with Jonathan over the years I have met many other Christians wanderers, some actively involved in their local church communities and some not. I met Brandon through Jonathan’s New England guys meet-ups (sometimes low-key meals and sometimes fully planned out weekend re­treats).We immediately connected on having some similar movie and music interests that were outside of (and some in our experience, much more spiri­tually engaging than) much of the usual Christian music and media. Everything from finding joy in awesomely bad ‘80s action movies to inspired mu­sicians like Arrested Development, singing upbeat hip-hop songs about genuine struggles and trying to be better people in the world. We’ve since shared in our deep interest in the life and works of the Chris­tian mystics (like Guyon, Bonhoeffer, St. Francis, Brother Lawrence, and others) and partnered on nu­merous articles and workshops.

Both of these friendships started with simple invita­tions to sharing food and conversation, but they’ve remained strong, I think, due to our shared commit­ment to each other as ‘Christian brothers.’ I regard both of these friends as close family. So whether it’s helping each other move or some late-night commiserating about life’s struggles, I know I have a safe space for help when needed, because they have each stuck with me at my best and my worst. We also share in the work and ministry of Project Arctos, which has us constantly thinking and collaborating about how we can help others commune, create, and connect with God and each other better. While our talents and spiritual giftings are different, this shared vision of a more vibrant and engaged King­dom keeps us pushing each other forward in ministry.

Even with friends like these, though, it can be chal­lenging to make time and stay connected as each of your lives grow fuller and sometimes farther away geographically. Where it was once easy to grab a near-weekly meal together, we sometimes struggle to make even a monthly coffee happen. To stay con­nected we make some use of modern technologies, like keeping in touch by text message or schedul­ing virtual meet-ups. They aren’t ideal mediums for connecting, but keep us connected between times of richer in-person fellowship.

For these deeper times of connecting, I’ve found we each have had to stretch ourselves and our schedules to continue to make it work. Jonathan is a new father this year and has accommodated our visits on evenings I’m sure he and his wife, Julia, didn’t really have the energy for. Brandon uses pub­lic transit and doesn’t have an easy way to get to my house outside of the city, but he takes the extra time to commute out or the extra expense of a ride-share. We all forgo practical conveniences at times to make space for fellowship. We’re each also flex­ible with what ‘fellowship’ might look like from meet-up to meet-up. Sometimes we’re all business and jump right into deep conversations and ministry planning, but sometimes one of us just needs to vent or process without adding anything else heavy to their plate. This can cause some friction from time to time, as ministry progress can become very slow in the midst of the rest of life. At times, one or two of us will catch a burst of inspiration for new or existing ministry when the others simply don’t have the capacity. It can be hard to match up energies and expectations sometimes. And sometimes, we just get silly, and talk about music or movies, or argue over which of us would be ‘Scott’ from the X-Men comics (one of the strongest leaders, but least lik­able characters in the Marvel universe).

I think this is one of the key elements to forming good friendships, to be willing to accommodate and to be open to new experiences, to be sensitive to and cater to each others’ needs. The loneliest people I know tend to have a narrow idea about what they are willing or interested in doing. Most of my friendships start with just being out in the world and making connections in spaces that I wouldn’t nor­mally be in. All of my best Christian friends from college (and my lovely wife, Audrey!) emerged from finally agreeing to check out the ‘weird-to-me’ fellowship service on campus one night. It was an uncomfortable experience for me, but by the end of the night I had met my best college friend and countless other great friends through him. I’m more and more convinced that the best way you can foster a good friendship is to go and do some­thing they want to do (even if you really don’t want to). You don’t have to be fake or make it your new hobby, just being open and sharing the experi­ence is enough. I’m incredibly grateful for all of my friends, for bearing with me in all my quirks, and making time and space in their lives to be genuine brothers and sisters in Christ together.

For the Chinese translation, please visit: shen-guo.org/75-brotherly-love.html.

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Brandon, Matt, and Jonathan on a hike, overlooking Boston some years ago.

Matt, Jonathan, and Bran­don (with inspiration and help from other friends and ministry partners!) began the ministry work of Project Arctos in Bos­ton in 2017. Seeking God’s movement from the traditional churches of their youths to a more integrated and engaged spirituality for the 21st century, they’ve set out to elevate voices from the margins who are living out and struggling through what it looks like to be vibrant Kingdom Cit­izens in our world today. In partnership with the King­dom Resources for Christ ministry, Project Arctos has grown to include online and in-person workshops, free online Christian resources, and published over 100 articles from everyday Christians for all to enjoy and benefit from. You can learn more about what we do and how to get involved at projectarctos.com.